Defiantone.com

Most people are content to be accepted by others and want to do nothing to the situation. They want to leave it as it is and not muck about with it. I cannot leave a good thing alone. If you have ever had a scab that you want to pick off for no reason whatsoever even though you know it will take a longer time for it to heal you might have a clue as to what I am talking about. The only difference in my case is that there is no scab, the skin is perfectly fine.

Now, please keep in mind that I do this on purpose and I normally don’t realize that I do it until the end. This is where you might start to get lost. Initially I do the same thing that everybody else does in a friendship. I tread lightly not wanting to push any buttons or bother anybody. After a period of time, I guess I begin to get bored. Not with the people, its the fact that it is working and thats what bothers me. So, on a low level I start to circumvent myself without realizing it. The subconscious mind does some rather strange things when you arent thinking about it. I slowly work at breaking down the mortar that holds the wall together in a hope that it will crumble. The turmoil is what I look forward to, the chaos and the confusion and things that I want.

To hurt other people is not my intention, what I do to myself is the intention. I try to drive all others away in any way that I possibly can. Look at my failed marriage for crying out loud, I had a great thing going when I got married. I decided, for some reason or other, that I needed to distance myself from my spouse and work long hours by taking a job that I really didnt want to do in the auspices that I was supporting her. When that wasn’t destroying things enough I broke down the respect that I had in the workplace. I was let go soon after.

So, in order to distance myself more and cause more grief I took a job that I knew could send me to the other side of the planet alone. Half of me said stay with her and the other half said it was already over because there was alot of stress in the relationship. I had an opportunity to swap assignments with somebody else and NOT go to Korea. I didn’t even mention it to her and just went to Korea… I should have known better but I went anyway. For the first 6-8 months things between us were as normal, and then they began to break down. I was very bitter at first when she told me as I didnt know what to do but calmness came rather quick to me. What kind of cold heartless person thinks this way and doesn’t let it bother them? The breakdown of the relationship didnt bother me as much as the ensuing loneliness. So, she soon left and I stopped having all feelings for almost anything… except for my favorite emotion which has been hate.

So, people that I work with invited me to come and play online with them where I was accepted. The cycle started again here. I helped to build it up but then I had to go and break it all down again. I do this and only notice it end the very end. I dont have any foresite, but I do it constantly. For some poor soul, I hope that I don’t get into a relationship with them because unless something changes in me, I am bound to repeat myself again.

Now, these are only two examples of what has happened to me in my life but almost every other relationship that I have had with another person I have systematically torn it apart. Most days I feel like some sort of sociopath.

Now, feel no pity or sorrow for what you had to do because I caused it completely by myself… but, I wish you all could have seen it coming and I offer my humble apologies for being the ass that I am.

One might think that I feel some sort of emotion but I feel relief that I no longer have to maintain those relationships with other people. Yes, there is something wrong with me. And no, I am not going to do anything about it because I worry about becoming that sick person that many people in my family are. I will not take any pills and I will not seek any counseling because I am ok with myself and my actions. Its a crappy deal for so many of those around me that I mess with in the process. Maybe I should just move to a country that doesn’t understand me. Then again, I might learn a foreign language and start the whole process again.

Hopefully, you’ve read this and understand that in some way I orchestrated the whole thing from start to finish and I apologize that it had to be you guys that I involved in my sick mind game. I’m honestly sorry (and thats the most honest and true thing I can say)

This entry was posted on Monday, February 21st, 2005 at 3:20 pm and is filed under I was too lazy to organize these. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.