Well, today of all days I have all of these great ideas that I wanted to cover but as each came up I was as far away from a notebook or a place to jot it all down as I could be. So, unlike what happens most of the time I actually remembered headings of the topics even though I might have forgot most of the details. So… today I’ve got a few little tidbits… enjoi!
damn gut-o-mine
This morning I was jolted out of slumber by the loud piercing scream of the alarm. My mind barely functioning, I wandered to the bathroom to “relieve” my body of excess fluids. *WARNING* This could get disgusting *WARNING* So, men know one part of their body better than any other part. Its their best friend, their dick. We know what feels good, bad, when it itches and what direction it shoots when we go to the bathroom. We are normally self conscious of our “manhood” damn those people that tell me theirs is bigger. So, I went to the bathroom and instead of one stream I had two… I barely noticed that I was pissing on the seat and on my foot at the same time. Something, dead skin or who knows what, was blocking the stream and splitting it in two. So, I picked up some dirty laundry, wiped off my leg, and passed out for another twenty minutes before officially starting the day. When I woke again to the minion of satan that sits conveniently telling time and blaring noise, I now noticed my gut felt terrible. It felt like someone had spent much of the night just punching me. I hadn’t done any work on my abs recently so I was aloof as to what the conundrum might be. Later on, at the 0700 you are too stupid to do anything on your own and I’m a micromanaging tool meeting, I noticed that the pain got worse. The source was standing in front of me and I wanted to kill him. By 0727 I was already to assault someone for being an assclown. I was ready to go home for the day. At least everyone there has a unified hate, so in the event of his eventual murder the culprit will not be easy to find, he’s got many enemies. Like Mr. Burns, everyone hates him.
perpetuating bad music
I HATE 98% of british music. The brits do something that astounds me on a daily basis; they sink lower and find more repulsive forms of shit to listen to. There is a epidemic of sweeping proportions in this country to listen to crap. The talk of the minute of these piss ants is “Crazy Frog”. If you don’t know what this abomination is I’ll kindly explain to enlighten my readers. Back in the day… about 98 or so, a swedish guy recorded the sound of a small bike/scooter revving up its engine and the sound alone was kinda funny. Not really funny just a passing humph kind of laugh that lasts for half a second or a slight twinge of a smile. A few months ago somebody put this sound along with an animation of a frog that takes off on an imaginary bike as it makes the “bike” sounds. I wanted to throw a brick at my TV the first time I saw it. Insult is not enough here in the UK, they must bring injury and thus round 2 began. FIGHT! So, like everything else that happens here they take the same crap and REMIX THE SHIT OUT OF IT! They took the song from Beverly Hills Cop (the Axle Foley theme) and added the damned frog making noise. This was only available as a ringtone for a short time until some marketing guru realized this country is populated with mindless simps that will buy anything. They showed these commercials 40-50 times a day on any channel they could buy time on: all of them. So, much to my dismay, they released a CD. It was the #1 album on the british charts last week. So, now that they setup is out of the way I’ll tell you the rest of the story. I was getting my hair cut and one of the barbers mentioned that they were trying to get the album but it was sold out. I almost got out of the chair and stabbed them in the eye with the scissors. I hate this country and anyone perpetuating bad music. They should be shot on site. Its no wonder they don’t have guns in this country, visitors to the isles would destroy the populous because they are RETARDS!
easy is lazy
We’ve all seen the advertising. Easy MAC, Easy OFF, PRE-COOKED RICE (yes, they sell that here). Well, maybe its just me but most of the time I could replace the word easy with the word lazy. I mean, come on, how freakin lazy do you have to be to buy precooked rice. All you do to cook it is add twice as much water as rice and boil. The people in this country should be ran over with massive trucks carrying manure and crushed where they stand. Their children should be neutered to stop the bloodlines.
cruising for a bruising
My mom always told me that I was “cruising for a bruising as a kid”. I often did things that pushed the boundaries and often found myself meeting a large wooden object that flew at my ass at high speed. Lately, I’ve been walking around looking to pick a fight… with anyone that will fight back. Its not that I want to hurt somebody, well I want to hurt stupid british people (they aren’t all stupid but some of them shouldn’t be wasting my air), its just that I want to get some aggression out. (I have backlog of it) So yes, I am cruising for a bruising.
uniforms
AF members recieve a yearly uniform allowance because this stuff wears out and many of us grow obese over the years (I’ve lost my excess weight… others look like they are carrying quintuplets). Andy, one of my friends got a slot for an AF class requiring the wear of blues (a uniform I despise). Luckily I haven’t worn mine in almost 2 years. He didn’t have anything that he was required to maintain so he had to go on a bit of a shopping spree. (his shit was stolen when he was in Turkey) He spent almost $400 and he still doesn’t have all of the required accessories for it. Luckily, now that my pants fit I have almost everything I need… well, my stuff needs dry cleaning and I need a few more ribbons (that I just found I got today) but I’ve only got about $20 to spend to get my stuff in shape. I guess it pays to maintain gradually rather than buy it in one whole chunk.
red dress
This one is quite distant in my memory because it was part of a dream. Sunday, before I was woken by that blasted creation called the telephone, I was having an interesting dream. All I remember was that every woman in the dream was wearing a red dress and the rest of the world was in shades of grey. Yes, I dream in color. Like usual, when things were getting interesting the phone rang. I couldn’t get back to sleep to check out the rest of the story. If there was a way to record dreams verbatim I’d probably have 6-7 of the top grossing movies of all time.
Ok, like I said, I had a few things to talk about… back to listening to Dizzy Gillespie. Now thats some DAMN FINE music and not this brit pop shit!
Tags: bad, car, crap, dirt, fun, funny, hate, oil, sleep, theme, war, water, work
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