Things have felt a bit off since I have returned to this country. For the first few weeks, as I eased back into the life I live here, things were fine and I had very few problems. As I’ve spent more time here I’ve begun to loose interest in almost everything around me. I’ve been unable to find ways to occupy my time and keep my mind stimulated. I normally sit around and wait for the next day to come so I can repeat it all over again. I can only hope that this type of existence will be fleeting and that something better will come around the corner and do so soon.
My house has decended into absolute chaos. I really don’t care how it looks and I cannot be bothered to do anything about it, if it went a little further it might be considered squalor. I make sure that the trash goes out and the dishes get rinsed off but I can scarcely find the time to actually cook something real. I find myself taking shortcuts so I can get some quick food that I can eat, I used to care about eating something that tasted good but I’m all about what I get out of the food. I wish that I could find some food that I could eat for the joy of it rather than just for what nutrients it might provide.
Some might think that this missive is written while deep in the throes of depression but I don’t believe that that could be the exact case. More likely, I’m writing this note while in the deep throes of boredom. I was told that this could be expected and I’m looking for something else out there that I didn’t have before. I’ve been looking for a long time but I haven’t been able to find anything. I wonder if I am looking with enough vigour or if I am just putting on a show as a giant act.
I have been unable to figure myself out as of late, when I do something I question why the heck it happened as if I am sitting in the back seat while another person is driving the car. I can try to be a backseat driver but there is only so much I can do. I wonder how many more metaphores I can use as I write this?
I am Lokor, the gatekeeper of despair and destruction… that what I thought of as I was heading to the gym today. It’s a throwback to a SNL bit that they used to (probably still do) called Goth talk. It involved people that wished they were dead and…. well… goth. I laughed about it all but its odd how I thought it might somehow involve me. Life should be vibrant and worth living but I’m struggling to see out the dirty window into the clouded gloom of each day.
In the past, all of this would have made me feel a little depressed but more than anything else I’m confused. I’m really not sure to go with my energy and what to do with it all. I’m not sure if I am heading down the right path but I can only forge ahead and see what might occur.
On a completely different note, I am still going to the gym and lifting 5 days a week and I’m still improving. Much of what I do there is all about intensity and the will to push myself to the next echelon. I reached a new max in squat (insert rude joke here) of 275. I pushed 225 on bench today which was heavy but felt good. I’ve just got to keep plugging away at it so in the future I won’t be the small one in the family. Its odd knowing that I have been the smallest one in the King family for the longest time. I guess I’ll just have to do something about it.
Tags: boredom, car, dirt, energy, family, food, gym, squat
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