At the end of a deployment the will of the masses dwindles and more mistakes are made. I have been a scapegoat as of late so I am trying to stay out of everything. I’m sure that in a day or two I’ll be blamed for not being a scapegoat because somebody else did something wrong and it wasn’t me. It really doesn’t matter - I just want to get out of here. I only have a problem with one or two people on my shift and its not a personality conflict but a conflict of interest. I have lots of problems with the people on day shift because they are gunning for me. When you’re in charge of the overwhelming majority of operations (80-90%) most of the mistakes - although minor - happen when you’re in charge. I’m not even sure if mistakes are being made but they’re blaming me. I don’t like to make mistakes and I take it personal - so - I’ve been quite paranoid as of late. I don’t even talk to ANYONE on day shift for fear of spawning further hate and scapegoatism -

This paranoia takes a lot out of me and I haven’t been sleeping well - hopefully it will pass - or maybe I’ll just go home.

Fuck ‘em I say. Let them be assholes - I just won’t deal with them anymore.

Everything must go - its got to get into a box of some sort - nothing can be left behind. I’ve taken my life with me but I always leave something behind. This time around I’m leaving boxes and furniture but there is something more that I am leaving behind. This time, I’m leaving behind people that I care about.

Today we’re moving almost everything out of my apartment into a storage unit. Its going to be a long day (one that will probably be fraught with frustration). I’ve got to go to work this morning to get the last of my paperwork and to pick up a few extra items. While out, we’ve also got to get our hands on a hand cart, a tarp, some bungees, and Jessica’s paycheck (she has a few last minute gifts to purchase). On top of all of that, we’re moving everything using the worlds smallest and slowest elevators. Luckily, they can lock the elevator down and I know that since I got it all in the apartment that I can probably get it out without much trouble.

I’ve only got 10 days left before I fly out - hardly enough time to get this done and spend some time with the people that matter.

I will be back - its only a 4 months (or so… it is the military) - and I can spend time with the people that matter the most to me.

I haven’t been back for more than a week but I can already tell how the environment is taking its toll on me. For the past few months I have spent nearly every waking moment around another individual whether I wanted to or not. I was able to take my own time when I needed it but there was always someone to talk to. Now that I’m back in the UK I’ve been struggling to deal with the loss of conversation. Luckily, people are starting to take the hint that I’m down for about anything at any time or place. I thrive when I’m surrounded by others but flounder when I’m alone by myself. I always thought I could fight it out alone but it appears I am too much of a social creature. I cannot live alone with my vitriol, anger, frustration, and insanity. I must share it with others to let it go… I can’t let it go by myself.

I’ve had a hard time sleeping this past week. Yes, the bed is amazing and I fall asleep immediately but its the timing of my sleep that worries me. When it gets dark here the narcolepsy begins to set in. Last night, after I got home from work, I could resist the urge to go to sleep at 5:30. I slept until about midnight when I woke up for a few hours. I fell back asleep around 3AM and woke again around 7AM. I wish I could sleep from 10-5 and feel fine… I guess its my body rejecting the notion that its not going to get any natural light until I leave this gloomy island.

More than anythying else, I’ve felt a deep frustration with work. I’ve done all that I can to stay the course and keep my mouth shut but there is little that I can do. I got away with something that I never thought I could, I challenged the fat asshole (see previous post) and made a extremely innapropriate and snide remark in a room full of people. Everyone in the office heard what I had to say and it was a doozie. For some reason, all I was told to do was to shut up but I got a smirk out of the entire office. What I said was on point, albeit completely innapropriate. I have been thinking about jumping ship and getting the heck out of that office, I’m not sure if I can stick it out any longer with that fat bastard around. I hate him. Yes, I hate him. I have dreams where I cause him instense physical harm, I think of ways to destroy him. He can ruin my days but I’m bound and determined to make his life a living hell. I’ll think of something… that fucker deserves it.

I’ve found that the longer I am on this planet, the more I am likely to be frustrated with everything in it. Lately, I’ve been pissed because I have been unable to utilize my team in a meaningful fashion. If I don’t have something to do; I become restless and bitter. Sometimes, I’ll just get in my car and drive in the vain hope that I will discover a plethora of activities to occupy my time. But alas, there is no such joy in mudville and I think I am destined to be pissed off at the world because it can’t effectively entertain me. Then again, our society in general could take the brunt of my hatred in this manner because all entertainment costs money. It is very rare when you can sit and find amusement in the world for free. In fact, unless you count watching people fall down I can’t think of anything that you can do for free. You’re probably thinking of thousands of things that you can do but to do each you’ve gotta get there… and thats going to take some petrol. What if I walk? You’re probably wearing shoes and those cost money as well. What about a game? Unless its hide and go-seek you’ve probably had to purchase something along the way; if it was hide and go-seek you all had to congregate in one location and spend money to get there. I really don’t know what my deal is but I have a feeling it must have something to do with the overwhelming urge to escape this isle of despair and travel to another part of the world. I can’t hardly wait.

FU@& S#*&

Just some pent up frustration from work. I really hate my job. I want to leave now and not come back.