Defiantone.com

Lately its been a whole lot of stress with seemingly little relief. I’ve been inundated with work (while at work obviously) that I haven’t had to deal with before. Almost everyone else that is my rank is on their way out so I’ve become to go-to-guy for most of the stuff. I’ve tried to dole out as much work as I possibly can but some of the work requires knowledge and the people below me have little of that. I know that I should try to educate them as much as possible but I don’t have the time to do that - I only have the time to do the work myself - and I’ll get it done as long was I stop getting more and more work piled on top.

It rained for quite a while today so I got soaked. You know its bad when the rain soaks all the way through your coat. Its supposed to rain more tomorrow - what a thrill that will be.

I wish I had something great to write about but its all been crap lately - steaming piles of donkey dung.

I have not posted anything of relative substance for quite some time as I’ve been busy doing this and that… it also doesn’t help that I only have a scant few readers so I’m less inclined to actually write something. Imagine if I was recieving 1,000 visits per day instead of the 10-15 unique visitors that I get. I’m still unsure as to why I feel that I should share almost everything in this forum as opposed to not letting anyone know whats going on. I guess I feel that this forum is relatively anonymous and potentially vouyeristic. I only tell stories about things that have happened to me and about how I react to those events.

My writing style isn’t particularly refined and my stories are only so-so. Once in a while I’ll have a worthy story of note but odds are you’re bound to get the same drudge that you might here from anyone else that you might know.

I’ve been looking on and off for a part time job and I think I’m going to slam one out for the rest of the year. In other words, I’m going to work myself to sheer and utter exhausting for a few months and get ahead on things. Its going to take insane time management and will drain me every day. I know that I can do this and I know that I must do this. I still haven’t had anyone hire me yet but it may not be the job of my dreams… then again, there are few jobs most of us dream of getting save for being professional athletes or high ranking politicians. Is it odd that the only jobs we dream of getting are those that are most likely to have unwanted fans and stalkers?

After getting caught up on some things I plan to move out of my current residence into another that is slightly more spacious and that provides a few extra ammenities (a place to put a grill and a in appt washer and dryer). While those things may seem trivial, I have found that I am more than tired of going up and down the elevator in my building and fighting with the coin operated jobbies. Having a grill would be equally splendid because its one of the few cooking surfaces that I would no longer have to clean up. I’ve become fairly skilled in its operation and I would only become more skilled as opportunity increases.

Jessica (the girlfriend) is doing well save for the stress she puts herself under. She’s got quite a few things on her plate at the moment and I’m sure that I would feel quite overwhelmed. Luckily for her, as of the 23rd of this month most of those things will be done and over with (Bridezilla… err I mean her sisters wedding).

She’s on the ropes as to whether she should end her internship and finish her AA or stay there and only get a technical certificate. I think that the AA degree would only help in the end if she should get out of her career field at some point in time. The degree is in biotechnology and from what she has told me there are quite a few people with that degree and no job in the industry. I’m unsure if the degree program isn’t worth her time or if the other candidates were less than sterling. Needless to say, she’s got about as much on her plate as I have on mine. It creates a significant amount of stress on the both of us and as you can imagine we can take it out on eachother. Luckily, we know that neither partner deserves the extra (and misplaced) animosity so we’re quick to cut it off.

Ok… thats the update of sorts. Hopefully I can provide something that is actually interesting to read at a later time.

So, I’ve been freaking out lately because I tend to overanalyze and stress out about almost everything. It has gotten to the point when I begin a conversation with someone I feel that I’m being yelled at even if we are just conversing normally. The anxiety is driving me mad. So, I went to a doc and talked about my situation. I told her what I had done in the past with other problems I’ve had and she asked about my lifestyle. It turns out I was doing everything right. She had no suggestions to give me. At that point, she threw out the one liner “if only your IQ was twenty points lower, you probably wouldn’t have this problem.” When things are awry, I tend to look at the situation from every angle and ask myself if one of my bad traits is causing it or if I’m letting behavior win or emotions win. In essense, she said that I’m smart enough to drive myself insane.

So, she gave me some homework (a book to read) and I’m going to try and destress myself. I tend to get stressed about getting rid of stress so this should be a fun exercise. All of my anxiety appears to be stress related so hopefully this constant anxious feeling can go away soon. I sure hope it goes away soon or I might drive myself insane as she predicted.

I’ve got a little time off in my schedule… well, at least its a little here and a little there and that should hopefully cut down on the stress. Its not that I’m under a huge time crunch or I’m so busy with one project that I can’t even think its that I am busy with a large variety of things. I can handle it as I always have and this is a great opportunity to push through the crap and get on with it. So, a short list

1. pig bbq
2. tech order program
3. rewarehousing
4. retraining
5. my troop
6. flare program
7. tdy guys
8. self inspection
9. remote lan access
10. target

the list could go on for a while but its just a bunch of things…

well, best get started

For the past year politicians, civilians, and members of the military have fought over the best course of action in Iraq. Many have said that to set a deadline to pull out would lead to disastrous consequences in that country and in the region. Others are staunch supporters of a deadline to hand over power to the citizens of that nation and remove our troops.

Leaving Iraq before they are stable enough to handle the task at hand would be disastrous. We might as well throw an infant into a tornado, their odds of surviving the backlash of our actions is small… minute… 10,000 to 1. I have no doubt in my mind that if we left the country before some form of stability was achieved that a civil war would break out. If you’ve watched the video in my previous post, and I hope you have, you’d understand that the problem here is the Islamic faith. There are millions in the world that believe that Mohammed is the one and only prophet. They believe that their only chance in salvation is through their faith in God and Islam. I respect their right to believe in whatever they may… but, they don’t mantain that mutual respect. Many believe that they must eliminate the infidels… (its odd, I have only seen the term infidels used when in relation to faith… hmmm).. other parts of the Quran state things that contrast this (sorry.. I’ve got no quotes, watch the video)

The other option is, as our President would say, “Stay the course.” We will continue to maintain a strong military presense in the country as long as there is a need for us. We will continue to train and help equip their defence forces until they can handle the fight on their own. We will not give up on them and we will accept that any American death is necessary to the continued security of the region. I’m not a fan of this plan, but, I think its our best option. In some ways, I wish we could set a deadline that we really don’t plan to stick with… who knows, maybe this would light a fire under their ass to get things straight. They might be sitting on their laurels knowing full well that they don’t have to put in 100% because we’ll always pick up the slack when they can’t do the job.

Its a terrible idea… but, its no better than the other two options we’ve been given so far

On slightly related news, McCain, the Senator from Arizona (not the company that makes chips… british chips, not american crisps (or chips… err… whatever….)) is gathering the support and advice of the people required to run for president. Good, this guy is somebody that I can and would trust. We are currently involved in a conflict… why a conflict? American civilians haven’t lost their lives (well aside from the stupid few that thought peace and love would make the insurgents NOT chop off their heads). An individual that has served with his life on the line is more likely to make the better choice when it comes to the welfare of US servicemembers. He has the ability to put himself in their shoes… lets face it, he has been there and he has been through worse than most of us could imagine. So… unless someone else blows him out of the water, I’m going for McCain in 2008.

Sure, I may not agree with the list of policies. Have you noticed that during political elections we make our choices based upon a list of 5-10 hot topics. You’ve seen it before

1. Terrorism
2. Abortion
3. Civil Rights
4. Welfare
5. Foreign Policy

These viewpoints give us a glimpse into how an individual may make policy but it won’t tell us about how they would react to a situation that is out of the normal. We had the opportunity to see a president under great stress after the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, after the WTC attacks, or during the civil rights movement. These are situations that suddenly create a situation that needs an immediate resolution. Most of these things could have been prevented if we had listened to the right individuals… but, we didn’t. I have a feeling, sure its in my gut, that presented with a situation like this that McCain would make the right choice. GW has been hit or miss with his choices. I completely stand behind the choice to go to Afghanistan and wreck the place… the choice to wreck Iraq… well, I’m not a fan.

Ok then… thats all for now

In a few days my best friend is leaving. In some ways, this individual left more than a month ago and did so because I didn’t trust them enough. Hell, I was so afraid of how they might react I didn’t give them the opportunity to effectively evaluate what I did and how it impacted them. I arbitrarily made a decision and forced my friend to live with it without letting them know all of the details of the situation. I wish I could go back and do it all differently; but, as time and life go, there are no repeats.

So, I’ve got 30 days remaining on the island before I get my ticket to ride and I can only think of one thing to do with all of my remaining time. Some would think that I should spend all of my time drinking because thats all I might be doing for the next few months. My liver has already taken a beating in the past and I don’t think I’m going to let it get beat down again in the future. I’ve proven to myself that drinking causes me undue pain and stress… in other words, if I drink I turn into a mean mother fucker and thats not good for anybody else.

Instead of training in that fashion, I’ve got 30 days of hardcore physical training. I’m going to start the whole shebang on Saturday… yes, its a few days away but I know that I’ve got to plan it out to such an extent that I can’t avoid it. What I’ll do, I’m not really sure but it will probably involve running (an activity that I loath), biking, crazy cardio, and weight lifting. At the same time as all of this insanity I also need to ensure that I keep my diet in check. If I eat really healthy food all of the time, I tend to eat really awful high sugar sweets often. If I eat a moderately healthy diet I tend to eat moderately unhealthy food once in a while. With me, extremes always bring out the worst in me… why I have been unable to acertain.

If I was going anywhere I was ruun-ning!

I took my PT test today and like all other tests regardless of content I always tend to be nervous. I dislike the fact that situps are evaluated on the same day as the run because the movement makes you use your hip flexor muscles… muscles that you will need to run with. Of all the parts of my body, those are the ones that are the most sore. I didn’t do as well as I wished on the run portion of the test but I did better than last year so anything is an improvement. I can only hope that I can keep my scores where they were because I move to an easier bracket next year.

I almost vomited when I returned to work as I was

1. dehydrated
2. hot (its quite warm and the rent-a-wreck has poor air circulation)

Joy in Muddville

If you couldn’t tell by the tone of my quick note, I was a little annoyed with my whole car situation. That wasn’t all there was to it, there was much more to the story. I took a late lunch yesterday and called VW to be told that she wasn’t really sure what I could do. She thought I should talk to the importer and I told her it was a military contract and it wasn’t like a regular car importer. To humor the lady, I went down there and found out that they knew nothing (a fact I was already aware of). I went over to the repair place and they gave me the rest of the story. In addition to the water pump they thought the head gasket was blown and that I might have warped heads (very very bad news). The engine failed a high pressure test and there was oil in the coolant… also very bad. The timing belt would also need replace… again very bad. I told them to fix it and they said they would need parts. I didn’t want to go with this option because it was all coming out of pocket and it was supposed to be covered by warranty. I called VW back and got “THE” guy for overseas military. He said to take it to a dealership and fax all of the bills to him. I would be forced to pay out up front but if it was considered an “in-warranty” repair they would reimburse me. If they don’t cover it… I’m suing. I found out that my insurance company would pay me for the cost of a tow so I had it moved from the shop it was at to the dealership.

I asked the dealership and they have a loaner car that I can borrow (sweet!) but I can’t have it until next Thursday (bummer). I need to pick up ole girl so I called her… a few times, and asked if I could borrow her car to pick her up. She made fun of my poor manual transmission skills and relented. She wasn’t sure why I didn’t ask her in the first place. At the time, I didn’t have a real answer. Now that I’ve thought about it, I think it has something to do with the fact that when I’m stressed, I fail to think every possibility through. I’ll have to work on that one. I think VW might even pay for the rental I have now… what a piece of crap that thing is.

Oh yeah, I still feel like crap but its getting better.

I’ve had a morning with no work… so I’ve had a little time to write and read the news.. enjoi!

Mexico and immigration

America is a nation that is comprised almost entirely of immigrants. It has been said that even native americans crossed the Bering strait at some point in time to live what is now known as the United States, Canada, and Mexico. No matter what your background is, you’re an imigrant; the battle that faces us to today is based upon what degree of immigrant you are. At one point in American history there was a mass exodus of mainly Irish immigrants onto the eastern part of the United States. At that time, there was alot of resentment and many laws were enacted to make it harder for people to immigrate and make it harder for those that had recently arrived. Why the animosity? They brought a different way of life with a different culture to the table. Sure, they did cause stress on the social system at the time (a problem we can still see today with mexican immigrants). So, whats the problem in this case? People are immigrating illegally.

Why in the world would they want to immigrate to our nation? I can hardly imagine a country that I grew up in and know as home to be so bad that I would face all peril to move out of it. We aren’t talking about a country that has a dictatorship or a communist government, we’re talking about a democratic nation. The people have the power to make a positive change in their country but aren’t being afforded the opportunity. It is my belief that every nation has the ability to become the greatest nation in the world, it took our country a civil war to get where we are and we still face problems. Its is an uphill battle that where the fighting never ceases, you can never quit.

Many politicians (and Americans) think that building a wall and sending troops to the border is the most effective way of solving the illegal immigration problem. All that we would be doing is to solve an effect of the larger problem at hand; this kind of action will never solve the problem of illegal immigration. We should be looking for the root of the problem : the living standards and social conditions in Mexico are so poor that a portion of the country sees only an exodus to America as the only viable solution.

Unforunately, I don’t know enough about our neighbor to the south to give any specifics but fixing ceiling tiles that are water damaged is a waste of time if you don’t fix the leak in the roof.

The G.W and Marriage

From MSNBC

Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid of Nevada, who says he believes marriage is the union of a man and a woman, said he nonetheless will vote against the amendment on a test vote Wednesday.

“The reason for this debate is to divide our society, to pit one against another,” Reid said in remarks prepared for delivery on the Senate floor. “This is another one of the presidents efforts to frighten, to distort, to distract and to confuse America. It is this administration’s way of avoiding the tough, real problems that American citizens are confronted with each and every day.”

If you want to read the whole thing check it out over at MSNBC

Why in the world should I be worried if Kyle and Steve or Mary and Jenny want to get hitched? Love is a crazy thing, it is not bound by gender, race, religion, or species (some people REALLY love their dogs… you’ve seen them, they’re often creepy old women with blue hair). This entire debate is a non-issue. We still have illiterate Americans, we still have Americans with no health care, we still have Americans that live in poverty, we still have Americans that haven’t recovered from Katrina, and we still have Americans dying daily fighting a war on terrorism; this is such a HUGE non-issue. Lets move onto the important stuff.

So, here is yet another seemingly positive missive thats burned straight from my desktop. School has been going well despite the stress they are trying to induce on all of us. I’ve had my own minor difficulties but I’m aware of when all of it is going to happen… translation: I know myself. I’ve been hanging out with a girl (of all genders), I think the entire world is going to crash down upon me because unless I have roofees or something of that nature I can’t get them to hang around. Yes, its sad but I try not to censor myself in any fashion around this person so they can know who I really am. There is nothing like meeting a person and then hiding most of who you really are in a vain attempt to get them to like you. If they don’t like you, who cares, thats part of life. I’ve really got to get going and get ready for school so this little post will have to suffice. As you can tell, I have far less time while I’m at school to type things here as compared to when I’m at work and I have all of the flipping time in the day.

Most people are content to be accepted by others and want to do nothing to the situation. They want to leave it as it is and not muck about with it. I cannot leave a good thing alone. If you have ever had a scab that you want to pick off for no reason whatsoever even though you know it will take a longer time for it to heal you might have a clue as to what I am talking about. The only difference in my case is that there is no scab, the skin is perfectly fine.

Now, please keep in mind that I do this on purpose and I normally don’t realize that I do it until the end. This is where you might start to get lost. Initially I do the same thing that everybody else does in a friendship. I tread lightly not wanting to push any buttons or bother anybody. After a period of time, I guess I begin to get bored. Not with the people, its the fact that it is working and thats what bothers me. So, on a low level I start to circumvent myself without realizing it. The subconscious mind does some rather strange things when you arent thinking about it. I slowly work at breaking down the mortar that holds the wall together in a hope that it will crumble. The turmoil is what I look forward to, the chaos and the confusion and things that I want.

To hurt other people is not my intention, what I do to myself is the intention. I try to drive all others away in any way that I possibly can. Look at my failed marriage for crying out loud, I had a great thing going when I got married. I decided, for some reason or other, that I needed to distance myself from my spouse and work long hours by taking a job that I really didnt want to do in the auspices that I was supporting her. When that wasn’t destroying things enough I broke down the respect that I had in the workplace. I was let go soon after.

So, in order to distance myself more and cause more grief I took a job that I knew could send me to the other side of the planet alone. Half of me said stay with her and the other half said it was already over because there was alot of stress in the relationship. I had an opportunity to swap assignments with somebody else and NOT go to Korea. I didn’t even mention it to her and just went to Korea… I should have known better but I went anyway. For the first 6-8 months things between us were as normal, and then they began to break down. I was very bitter at first when she told me as I didnt know what to do but calmness came rather quick to me. What kind of cold heartless person thinks this way and doesn’t let it bother them? The breakdown of the relationship didnt bother me as much as the ensuing loneliness. So, she soon left and I stopped having all feelings for almost anything… except for my favorite emotion which has been hate.

So, people that I work with invited me to come and play online with them where I was accepted. The cycle started again here. I helped to build it up but then I had to go and break it all down again. I do this and only notice it end the very end. I dont have any foresite, but I do it constantly. For some poor soul, I hope that I don’t get into a relationship with them because unless something changes in me, I am bound to repeat myself again.

Now, these are only two examples of what has happened to me in my life but almost every other relationship that I have had with another person I have systematically torn it apart. Most days I feel like some sort of sociopath.

Now, feel no pity or sorrow for what you had to do because I caused it completely by myself… but, I wish you all could have seen it coming and I offer my humble apologies for being the ass that I am.

One might think that I feel some sort of emotion but I feel relief that I no longer have to maintain those relationships with other people. Yes, there is something wrong with me. And no, I am not going to do anything about it because I worry about becoming that sick person that many people in my family are. I will not take any pills and I will not seek any counseling because I am ok with myself and my actions. Its a crappy deal for so many of those around me that I mess with in the process. Maybe I should just move to a country that doesn’t understand me. Then again, I might learn a foreign language and start the whole process again.

Hopefully, you’ve read this and understand that in some way I orchestrated the whole thing from start to finish and I apologize that it had to be you guys that I involved in my sick mind game. I’m honestly sorry (and thats the most honest and true thing I can say)